Hospital pet therapy dog totally burnt out

WEST CALEDONIA, ND – For co-workers at University of Eastern North Dakota Medical Center (UENDMC),  the truth has become too obvious to ignore: after three years of grinding out pet therapy visits on the hospital wards, local springer spaniel “Molly” is utterly burned out. Staff members have noticed the bitter resentment in her gait and are appalled at…

Surgical intern resolves to throw his weight around more in 2016

NEW CALEDONIA, ND – Surgical Intern Ben Plusters has made quite a few resolutions for 2016, but his most important decision for the New Year is to start letting his lion-like clinical prowess roar a little more at University of Eastern North Dakota Medical Center. “I’ve learned a lot in my 6 months of being…

Groundbreaking Study Shows Bear Attacks More Deadly Than Tobacco

BALTIMORE, MD – How bad is smoking really? When compared with other risky activities, it appears it may not be nearly as dangerous as public health officials would have you believe. The DME Continues its coverage of bear-related medical issues with this report on a new study from the Journal of Ursine Health Risks. The study,…

Meat Industry Says Processed Meats “Linked to Cancer But Often Highly Delicious”

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – A carnivorous ruckus erupted this week after the World Health Organization (WHO) stunned meat-lovers around the world by confirming that consuming processed meats raises one’s risk of cancer. “People are making serious health choices each time that they bite into a bacon cheeseburger,” said Jim Lehnder, Chief of the World Health Organization’s Lifestyle Disappointment Task Force.…

Uninsured Guy “Francis” turned away from Philadelphia Walk-In Clinic

PHILADELPHIA – A firestorm erupted this week after a clinic at Blessed Merciful Sacred Heart Regional Medical Center (BMSHRMC) turned away an uninsured man named “Francis” from their Friday walk-in clinic. “He just showed up expecting to get medical care for his bronchitis.  Well, we ran his financial info and he didn’t have insurance. It turns out he’s not…

Trump Talks About His Journey with Aggressive Hair Tumor

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After months of seeing his hairdo distract from the earnest business of politics, Donald Trump is coming forward to share his intimate personal experience with a life-changing illness known as “trichosarcoma” – an aggressive outgrowth of the body’s own hair.  Trump invited the Daily Medical Examiner to conduct his first interview with the media about…

Astounding New NASA Images Show Pluto Has Totally Let Itself Go

WASHINGTON, DC – After all these years spent arguing about the status of Pluto as a dwarf planet, shocking images captured by the New Horizons space probe revealed that in the last 25 years, Pluto has lost its trim physique and hit a very unhealthy mass. Pluto’s Celestial Body Mass Index, has reached a tremendous 1.31×10^22 kg/1.4×10^6 km^2,…

Leading medical journal’s “Swimsuit Issue” scrapped after complaints

BOSTON, MA – Editors of the prestigious New England Journal were left scrambling this week to quell a firestorm of bad publicity after copies of a planned swimsuit edition were leaked to the public.  The illustrious publication had apparently hoped to replicate the timeless success of Sports Illustrated with a similar swimsuit special, entitled “Scholarly Bodies: Top Physicians Submit It All for Peer…

We Listened: ABIM Shortens MOC Scavenger Hunt and Eliminates Fitness Requirement

PHILADELPHIA, PA – With a vocal outcry from physicians steadily rising, the American Board of Internal Medicine (ABIM) has grudgingly decided to roll back several aspects of its new Maintenance of Certification (MOC) plan.  This new plan, created “to ensure that physicians were held to the highest standards in care,” has been the source of acrid…

Oregon man appalled that doctor has not heard of his herbal supplement

TROUTDALE, OR – 42 year-old Brince Streeter was disgusted during his primary care visit last week when he had to explain the nature and purpose of Astragalus Root to his Primary Care Physician, Alicia Humsboldt. “I told her how I’ve been using Astragalus to improve my tissue oxygenation, and she just looks at me with this…