Naïve little cookie dough container vainly warns people not to eat it raw.

TOLEDO, OH – In a charming display of naiveté, a Toll House cookie dough container in Toledo made futile attempts this week to warn consumers NOT to eat raw cookie dough. “It’s cute, really,” said college sophomore, Brad Birdgens, who had just finished his second helping of raw chocolate chip cookie dough at the time of our interview. “I remember when I had…

Doctor’s Little Tantrums Really Starting to Transform Hospital Culture

Caledonia, ND – It’s been four years since staff hospitalist, Yudwar Pheshmeyni started his noble campaign to change UEND Medical Center. He began with an angry outburst on the 4th flour, directed at the hospital’s electronic medical record system, which has been known to occasionally freeze during the entry of admission orders. As he shouted alone in the…

U.S. Preventive Services Task Force Recommends Against Screening Women for Prostate Cancer

WASHINGTON, DC – After recent ambiguous and controversial guidelines on breast cancer screening led to an angry outcry from the general public, the USPSTF has stepped back and decided to offer at least one firm and unequivocal stance on screening women for cancer. They agreed that most women should not be screened for prostate cancer (Level A…

BREAKING: USDA Adds Girl Scout Cookies to Food Pyramid

WASHINGTON, DC – After a hard-fought battle amongst power-brokers in the world of government food-suggestions, makers of the US Department of Agriculture’s “Food Pyramid” have unanimously agreed to add Girl Scout Cookies to the pinnacle of the pyramid. “Our latest edition of the Food Pyramid included exercise as part the program, but we realized that someone climbing…

Hospital pet therapy dog totally burnt out

WEST CALEDONIA, ND – For co-workers at University of Eastern North Dakota Medical Center (UENDMC),  the truth has become too obvious to ignore: after three years of grinding out pet therapy visits on the hospital wards, local springer spaniel “Molly” is utterly burned out. Staff members have noticed the bitter resentment in her gait and are appalled at…

Groundbreaking Study Shows Bear Attacks More Deadly Than Tobacco

BALTIMORE, MD – How bad is smoking really? When compared with other risky activities, it appears it may not be nearly as dangerous as public health officials would have you believe. The DME Continues its coverage of bear-related medical issues with this report on a new study from the Journal of Ursine Health Risks. The study,…

Meat Industry Says Processed Meats “Linked to Cancer But Often Highly Delicious”

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – A carnivorous ruckus erupted this week after the World Health Organization (WHO) stunned meat-lovers around the world by confirming that consuming processed meats raises one’s risk of cancer. “People are making serious health choices each time that they bite into a bacon cheeseburger,” said Jim Lehnder, Chief of the World Health Organization’s Lifestyle Disappointment Task Force.…

Uninsured Guy “Francis” turned away from Philadelphia Walk-In Clinic

PHILADELPHIA – A firestorm erupted this week after a clinic at Blessed Merciful Sacred Heart Regional Medical Center (BMSHRMC) turned away an uninsured man named “Francis” from their Friday walk-in clinic. “He just showed up expecting to get medical care for his bronchitis.  Well, we ran his financial info and he didn’t have insurance. It turns out he’s not…

Astounding New NASA Images Show Pluto Has Totally Let Itself Go

WASHINGTON, DC – After all these years spent arguing about the status of Pluto as a dwarf planet, shocking images captured by the New Horizons space probe revealed that in the last 25 years, Pluto has lost its trim physique and hit a very unhealthy mass. Pluto’s Celestial Body Mass Index, has reached a tremendous 1.31×10^22 kg/1.4×10^6 km^2,…

We Listened: ABIM Shortens MOC Scavenger Hunt and Eliminates Fitness Requirement

PHILADELPHIA, PA – With a vocal outcry from physicians steadily rising, the American Board of Internal Medicine (ABIM) has grudgingly decided to roll back several aspects of its new Maintenance of Certification (MOC) plan.  This new plan, created “to ensure that physicians were held to the highest standards in care,” has been the source of acrid…

Oregon man appalled that doctor has not heard of his herbal supplement

TROUTDALE, OR – 42 year-old Brince Streeter was disgusted during his primary care visit last week when he had to explain the nature and purpose of Astragalus Root to his Primary Care Physician, Alicia Humsboldt. “I told her how I’ve been using Astragalus to improve my tissue oxygenation, and she just looks at me with this…

Local ER Physician is an Expert on What’s Wrong with Poor People

Happy Valley, ID – “Entitlement…Entitlement and laziness… and bad choices,” explains Dr. Jestins as he leans back into his rolling armchair at the doctor’s station in the Happy Valley General Hospital’s Emergency Department. Dr. Jestins has been conducting impromptu lectures on the vagaries of impoverished persons for over 10 years from his seat at the ED…