Food Scientist Says “Peeps” May Be Secret to Ending World Hunger


BETHLEHEM, PA – They are the fluffy, sugary spring-time treats you’ve grown up loving or hating, but you may not realize the power these tiny chicks punch. One self-proclaimed global health entrepreneur is turning to Marshmallow Peeps to put a stop to famine around the world.

Independent “Food Scientist” Kevin Bliggerstop, B.A., who recently graduated with a double-major in English Literature and Mesopotamian Studies, is running a one-man campaign to bring Peeps to starving people around the world.

“Peeps pack an incredible calorie punch. At 28 calories per 8.5g Peep and 5 Peeps per serving, you’d have to eat almost 3 pounds of celery to get the same powerful energy explosion that’s in one serving of Peeps. No one can eat 3 pounds of celery!”

Bliggerstop says that there are many advantages to using the Peep as a medium to providing food-energy to the developing world.

“They are lightweight and indestructible; You can move 107,000 Peeps per ton of shipping. They have a shelf-life of 6-8 months and can be manufactured in any climate. That’s unbelievable.”

According to a highly reputable Peep-fact page, there are 5.5 million Peeps produced per day world-wide.

“That is 176 million calories per day…enough to feed 88,000 people every single day. If we as a human race unite to increase production by about 8,000 times, we can effectively end world hunger.”

Biggerstop can rave for hours about the advantages of his idea.

“Peeps is now producing Peeps-flavored milk, meaning we can meet both the solid and liquid nutritional needs of the world. Think of the children from all continents holding little bottles of Peeps milk!”

Bliggerstop’s parents, who are currently housing Kevin since he graduated from college, have been myopically unsupportive of his initiative. Local nutritionist Maggie Turnple was similarly skeptical regarding his plan.

“You would have to eat about 70 Peeps in a day to get the 2,000 needed calories, and I’m sorry, there’s nothing but sugar in there. The eyes aren’t even digestible,” said Turnple.

Like many millennials, Bliggerstop is undeterred by the criticism of complacent and cynical Generation X-ers; he has even founded a non-profit in his parents’ garage called “Peeps for the Nations,” and has made a “sweet” graphic for his organization (see below). He is currently engaged in a personal experiment to see whether he can subsist entirely on a diet of Peeps for 2 months.

Peeps for the Nations.jpg

“It’s disgusting.” said Kevin’s mother, Karen. “If he’s just going to sit around and eat Peeps, he should get a job to pay for it.”

For his heroic idealism, Kevin Bliggerstop is this week’s DME Health Hero.

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