NEW CALEDONIA, ND – Surgical Intern Ben Plusters has made quite a few resolutions for 2016, but his most important decision for the New Year is to start letting his lion-like clinical prowess roar a little more at University of Eastern North Dakota Medical Center.
“I’ve learned a lot in my 6 months of being a doctor, and it’s about time people started showing a little bit of respect. I’ve resolved to be more authoritative this year.”
The young Dr. Plusters has even developed a stepwise plan to start putting his resolution into effect.
“I’ve decided I’ll probably start with nurses. I don’t need to sit around and listen to their whiny complaints… They’re always paging with ‘Oh, I’m worried about this patient’s blood pressure,’ or ‘This one won’t stop bleeding.’ Well, I don’t have time to deal with little stuff like this when I’m busy saving people’s lives in the operating room, so I’m going to start being a lot more pushy on the phone,” said Plusters.
Step 2 of his plan involves sharing his vast surgical knowledge with other physician providers in the hospital.
“I’m not about to sit around and let some Cardiologist or GI schmuck, who’s not even a real surgeon, try to tell me what they know about a patient. They haven’t felt the cold steel in their hands or wrapped their fingers around a man’s beating heart. I’ve done that. Twice.”
Step 3 of his plan involves going to the gym wearing scrubs so that he can tell women about his brave feats in the operating room.
We here at the DME applaud Dr. Plusters’ bold generosity in sharing his authoritative genius with world at large. Dr. Plusters, you are a gift to mankind, and for that, you are this week’s DME Health Hero.