Meat Industry Says Processed Meats “Linked to Cancer But Often Highly Delicious”


GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – A carnivorous ruckus erupted this week after the World Health Organization (WHO) stunned meat-lovers around the world by confirming that consuming processed meats raises one’s risk of cancer.

“People are making serious health choices each time that they bite into a bacon cheeseburger,” said Jim Lehnder, Chief of the World Health Organization’s Lifestyle Disappointment Task Force. His committee has been working hard to disseminate their findings to a public struggling to make healthy food choices.

The global meat industry has been quick to respond to the WHO’s announcement and is working tirelessly to reassure worried consumers.

“The North American Meat Initiative (NAMI) acknowledges the World Health Organization findings but reminds people that burgers can be perfectly seasoned and charcoal-grilled to perfection and that bacon can be smoked in apple-wood till it’s just the right combination of tender and crispy,” said a press release from Brent Mustler, chief of public affairs for NAMI.

To people frightened by the WHO announcement, Mustler, says, “Sure, beef brisket is likely carcinogenic, but it can be savory and delicious when slow-grilled over hickory chips.”

The North American Meat Initiative is encouraging people to think about the good times that they have had with meat and not to dwell on fears about the future health consequences. It is launching a new awareness campaign it calls “Meat: A Lifetime In Every Bite.”

“We’re trying to change the conversation. Let’s stop talking about cancer and start talking about that warm ballpark corn dog you had on your first date or that perfect Philly cheesesteak you used to get with your buddies in college. That’s not scary or dangerous like cancer. It’s beautiful.”

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