WASHINGTON, D.C. – After months of seeing his hairdo distract from the earnest business of politics, Donald Trump is coming forward to share his intimate personal experience with a life-changing illness known as “trichosarcoma” – an aggressive outgrowth of the body’s own hair. Trump invited the Daily Medical Examiner to conduct his first interview with the media about this rare condition:
DME: We appreciate the chance to hear about your battle with this tumor. What was it like when you found out you had malignant trichosarcoma?”
TRUMP: I remember that awful day in the early 90’s. I was looking at a winner in the mirror when I realized my bangs had grown out of control. That afternoon, the doctor told me it was a tumor, and I was shocked. I knew my life would continue to be extraordinary, because I am an incredible human. But it would never be the same.”
DME: Since your diagnosis, what have you learned about trichosarcoma?
TRUMP: Well, it’s not fatal but it’s incurable – I’ll live with this forever. Like a lot of cancers, it was cooked up in a lab by the Chinese as part of a ploy to ruin America.
DME: That is awful on many levels. What has it been like for you?
TRUMP: My hair tumor is constantly growing, and the doctors say it’s ‘unresectable.’ They couldn’t take it all out without causing damage to important structures like my amazing brain.”
DME: How has this changed the way you live?
TRUMP: Every two months, I go the operating room for a surgical ‘de-bulking’ procedure. The goal is to reduce symptoms and improve my quality of life.”
DME: You must be very grateful to your doctors.
TRUMP: They’re losers really. All of them. If they had half a brain they would have figured this out by now. If I weren’t so busy I would go to medical school and learn how to fix it myself.
DME: How does your experience with illness change the way you will handle things if you are elected president?
TRUMP: I have a plan to build a massive wall; we’ll put all of the worthless, violent cancer that wants to come into our country on the other side of it. Any cancer that’s already here will be shipped back across the border.”
DME: That is brilliant.
TRUMP: It is really. A lot of time and money has been wasted trying to cure cancer, but that’s just silly. You can’t change cancer. It’s evil. It’s taking our jobs, and it’s invading our society. The only good answer is to kick it out of America.
DME: Thank you very much, Mr. Trump, for your time.
TRUMP: You’re welcome. I’ve always admired your publication. It seems like the type of thing I would put together if I weren’t so busy making billions.
DME: We’re truly humbled. Thank you.
DISCLAIMER: All stories, quotations, medical reports, studies, and news entries are fictitious, created in the interest of humor. They are the creative work of the Daily Medical Examiner staff, and any relationship to actual events present or historical should be considered coincidental. The DME uses invented names for people, businesses, and institutions in its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is coincidental.