WASHINGTON, DC – After all these years spent arguing about the status of Pluto as a dwarf planet, shocking images captured by the New Horizons space probe revealed that in the last 25 years, Pluto has lost its trim physique and hit a very unhealthy mass.
Pluto’s Celestial Body Mass Index, has reached a tremendous 1.31×10^22 kg/1.4×10^6 km^2, likely from spending time in a slow orbit and from consuming an unhealthy diet of asteroids on the lonely outer reaches of the solar system.
As it turns out, Pluto has been through a lot in the last quarter century. It’s been downgraded from full planet status and it’s spent a lot of isolated time on the edges of our solar system in the midst of a deep identity crisis. Undoubtedly, loneliness and low self-esteem have contributed to its outright degeneracy.
“It’s appalling, but this prompts a lot of very hard conversations about Pluto’s lifestyle,” said NASA Astronomer Hanz Leisdorf. “If Pluto doesn’t change its habits, this will have a serious effect on its longevity. Pluto needs to stop eating so many asteroids from the Kuiper Belt and try to pick up the pace. I mean seriously, it takes like 6 earth days for that lazy hulk to make a even single rotation.”
Leisdorf sounded a note of sympathy, however. “I’d probably stress eat too if I was out there all by myself, hearing people argue about whether I’m a real man or not, and if it took 5 1/2 hours just for light to get to me from the sun. It’s already bad enough that I work for NASA and our funding got cut.”
While a solar system grapples with disappointment over the downfall of its distant dwarf, the DME remains your source for intergalactic health news.