Astounding New NASA Images Show Pluto Has Totally Let Itself Go

Pluto

Shocking photos from NASA’s New Horizons mission reveal that Pluto is no longer the trim dwarf planet we thought it was.

WASHINGTON, DC – After all these years spent arguing about the status of Pluto as a dwarf planet, shocking images captured by the New Horizons space probe revealed that in the last 25 years, Pluto has lost its trim physique and hit a very unhealthy mass.

Pluto’s Celestial Body Mass Index, has reached a tremendous 1.31×10^22 kg/1.4×10^6 km^2, likely from spending time in a slow orbit and from consuming an unhealthy diet of asteroids on the lonely outer reaches of the solar system.

As it turns out, Pluto has been through a lot in the last quarter century.  It’s been downgraded from full planet status and it’s spent a lot of isolated time on the edges of our solar system in the midst of a deep identity crisis.  Undoubtedly, loneliness and low self-esteem have contributed to its outright degeneracy.

“It’s appalling, but this prompts a lot of very hard conversations about Pluto’s lifestyle,” said NASA Astronomer Hanz Leisdorf.  “If Pluto doesn’t change its habits, this will have a serious effect on its longevity.  Pluto needs to stop eating so many asteroids from the Kuiper Belt and try to pick up the pace. I mean seriously, it takes like 6 earth days for that lazy hulk to make a even single rotation.”

Leisdorf sounded a note of sympathy, however.  “I’d probably stress eat too if I was out there all by myself, hearing people argue about whether I’m a real man or not, and if it took 5 1/2 hours just for light to get to me from the sun. It’s already bad enough that I work for NASA and our funding got cut.”

While a solar system grapples with disappointment over the downfall of its distant dwarf, the DME remains your source for intergalactic health news.

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