Google Search Reveals that Iowa Man’s Headache is Probably a Brain Tumor

Medical Satire

DES MOINES, IA – For 25 year-old Bill Whishtler, the news hit him in the face like a wet gym sock full of bricks.  Late Saturday night, after putting his symptoms into Google, he found out that the dull headache that had nagged him since he woke that morning was most likely the beginning of the end for him.

“It was right there in front of me; I searched for headache and blurry vision and it was right there.  Right on the top of the search list… that I have a brain tumor,” he said, gritting his teeth through the tears.  “Now, life has changed forever.”

Just the Friday night before, he had been out living it up with his buddies, completely unaware.

“I felt so healthy back then; I drank a whole case of beer without even thinking too much about it.  Without even thinking about the fact that it could, like, be the last time I ever do that.”

His Google research led him to an awesome video of a bunny eating raspberries and later to the Mayo Clinic website, where he found that his tumor is most likely gnawing away at the very neurons that allow him to breathe.

“I learned that they’re probably going to give me radiation and steroids, possible a squirt or two of chemotherapy if I’m strong enough.  But it’s pretty much game over.”

He called Netflix to cancel his subscription and left a total of 17 voice messages with his family doctor’s office over the weekend so that they would know what was going on.

“It’s probably not even worth doing the MRI to confirm it.  The headache feels better now, but I know that it’s just a matter of time.”

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DISCLAIMER: All stories, quotations, medical reports, studies, and news entries are fictitious, created in the interest of humor. They are the creative work of the Daily Medical Examiner staff, and any relationship to actual events present or historical should be considered coincidental. The DME uses invented names for people, businesses, and institutions in its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is coincidental.

 

 

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