GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – To those living in a golden era of hipster abundance, a dire warning emerged last week from the World Health Organization’s Lifestyle Task Force.
“We’ve run the numbers, and what we’re seeing will totally explode your brain. We’re seeing a near-universal shortage of hipsters over the next 1-2 decades,” said Jim Lehnder from the WHO’s Endangered Human Population Research Corps. “It’s scary stuff… If this trend continues, the world won’t even be able to remember what it was like to be squeezed out of a neighborhood by liberal arts grads in vintage clothing.”
Predictive demographic modeling indicates that due to aging of the world’s current hipster population, “global fad drift,” overcrowding in normal hipster habitats, and shortages of vital resources that hipsters need to survive (such as fixed-gear bikes, professions in the creative arts, and horn-rimmed glasses) it may be challenging to find even a handful of hipsters 10 to 20 years from now.
“We’re looking at an entire way of life, an entire population, just disappearing. It’s like when the dinosaurs were annhilated by a meteor or whatever… but worse,” said Lehnder.
As the world’s supplies of specialty donuts, craft beers, bacon-flavored desserts, and artisanal everything are exhausted, the hipster species will wither. Without hipsters there to revive trendy items from the past, the continuity of the human race will undoubtedly falter.
“When the lifelines of hipster health start to fail, hipsters disappear. When hipsters disappear, the foundations of our fragile world begin to crumble. The time to start preserving and protecting the hipster way of life is now….not 10 years from now when we can’t even find a person with clever facial hair to remind us how good we once had it.”
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