Putin Blames Annexation of Crimea on His High Testosterone Levels

MOSCOW – Seeking to garner global sympathy for his recent actions on the Crimean Peninsula, Russian President Vladimir Putin announced late Monday that his annexation of Crimea was the move of a misunderstood man with an endocrine problem, not the machinations of a warmonger.

In his public statement, Putin sought to dispel widespread myths about his intentions by sharing candidly about his health:

“I was surfing the internet in the Kremlin yesterday when I saw an article about high testosterone and I realized that I – the masculine President of an extremely virile Russia – had most of the symptoms of too much testosterone…and suddenly it all made so much sense why I’ve been feeling the way I’ve been feeling inside.”

Putin went on:

“I have been feeling very down lately…in a manly, powerful, world-leader sort of way.  I thought it was just that ‘post-olympics crash,’ but then I turn around and I find myself annexing things right and left and snapping at my staff, and then all the sudden I’m crying and I just don’t know why – this isn’t the Vladimir I want to be.”

…this isn’t the Vladimir I want to be.

President Putin has asked for the world to try to be understanding and expressed frustration that “people don’t seem to get that I have a real medical condition.”

“Just when I think I’m starting to pull it together, I get to thinking about how I got left out of the G8 summit…how people are all meeting behind my back…and I wonder what they’re saying…and it makes me so angry that I have to hold a puppy just to calm myself down.”

Dealing with emotions can be hard.

Dealing with emotions can be hard.

Mr. Putin says that he is planning a visit to his Moscow primary care provider to get his hormones checked out.

“It’s just so danged hard to get a walk-in appointment these days,” he seethed.


DISCLAIMER: All stories, quotations, medical reports, studies, and news entries are fictitious, created in the interest of humor. They are the creative work of the Daily Medical Examiner staff, and any relationship to actual events present or historical should be considered coincidental. The DME uses invented names for people, businesses, and institutions in its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is coincidental.

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