MOSCOW – Seeking to garner global sympathy for his recent actions on the Crimean Peninsula, Russian President Vladimir Putin announced late Monday that his annexation of Crimea was the move of a misunderstood man with an endocrine problem, not the machinations of a warmonger.
In his public statement, Putin sought to dispel widespread myths about his intentions by sharing candidly about his health:
“I was surfing the internet in the Kremlin yesterday when I saw an article about high testosterone and I realized that I – the masculine President of an extremely virile Russia – had most of the symptoms of too much testosterone…and suddenly it all made so much sense why I’ve been feeling the way I’ve been feeling inside.”
Putin went on:
“I have been feeling very down lately…in a manly, powerful, world-leader sort of way. I thought it was just that ‘post-olympics crash,’ but then I turn around and I find myself annexing things right and left and snapping at my staff, and then all the sudden I’m crying and I just don’t know why – this isn’t the Vladimir I want to be.”
…this isn’t the Vladimir I want to be.
President Putin has asked for the world to try to be understanding and expressed frustration that “people don’t seem to get that I have a real medical condition.”
“Just when I think I’m starting to pull it together, I get to thinking about how I got left out of the G8 summit…how people are all meeting behind my back…and I wonder what they’re saying…and it makes me so angry that I have to hold a puppy just to calm myself down.”
Mr. Putin says that he is planning a visit to his Moscow primary care provider to get his hormones checked out.
“It’s just so danged hard to get a walk-in appointment these days,” he seethed.
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