Ben Affleck to Star as Depressed Batman in “Dark Knight of the Soul”

Ben Affleck Batman

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Everyone’s favorite superhero is getting a serious facelift. The Batman franchise is reborn, with it’s newest superstar, Ben Affleck, as the caped crusader.  No longer simply the glassy-eyed swoon of last decade’s romantic comedies, Affleck’s Dark Knight is about to shock and awe audiences with a gritty, real-life look at depression.

“Movie-goers have seen enough crime-fighting and action.  This time, we’re going to see Batman go through a deep, dark, clinical depression…with weight gain, tearfulness, and angry-out-of-nowhere arguments with Catwoman,” said Executive Producer, Steven Sunderheim.  “People are going to really enjoy this freshly mundane angle on Gotham’s hero; they’ll watch him do battle with insomnia, low libido, and apathy.  Affleck is a perfect match for the part!”

Rumor has it that The Dark Knight of the Soul, set to hit the silver screen this Summer, will be over four hours long, and filled with edge-of-your-seat therapy sessions.  We’ll watch a fatherly and hairy therapist (played by Matt Damon) guide Batman through his failed relationships and we’ll see Bruce Wayne cope with authentic side-effects of several popular anti-depressants.

Affleck reports he is quite enthusiastic about the chance to play Gotham’s masked vigilante.

“There’s this really awesome scene where I sit in the bat cave and eat Funyuns on the couch for like 4 hours while I watch the Home Shopping Network at 2 AM.  I mean…they had to shorten it to like 25 minutes for the final production, but it’s some of my best stuff,” said Affleck.

Affleck had to gain about 35 pounds for the film and says that he got into the role by watching PBS’ Antiques Roadshow for 21 consecutive days with smooth jazz playing in the background.

“I still can’t stop thinking about the episode where one guy found a freaking Ming Dynasty urn just sitting in the back of some rotted-out Volkswagen Rabbit..that’s crazy, man…just crazy.”

Dark Knight of the Soul will arrive in Theaters this Summer.

For more on Hollywood and Health, see here.

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DISCLAIMER: All stories, quotations, medical reports, studies, and news entries are fictitious and fabricated for the purpose of satire.  Any relationship to actual events present or historical should be considered coincidental. The DME uses invented names for people, businesses, and institutions in its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is coincidental.

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