BEVERLY HILLS, CA – Stars struggling to keep off the pounds for their next big scene are turning back to a timeless trick to keep the body slim and trim for the silver screen. A sparkling new boutique on Rodeo Drive is offering the latest in “parasite-assisted image-refinement,” and Hollywood’s elite are pouncing on the supplemental-tapeworm craze by the dozen, finding that the added benefit of one of these cestodes in the GI tract has a nifty way of keeping the flab away.
“Since I got my tapeworm, I’ve gone from a size 3 to a size 1!” said Catherine O’Scarttet who is trimming down for an upcoming role in next year’s remake of Lassie: Australian Adventure.
“Once you get past the dizziness and the occasional bleeding, it’s incredible. Now, I eat whatever I want and I still lose weight,” said Henry Stone, who once starred as a soup shop patron in the fourth season of “Seinfeld.”
Jean-Luc Dimeau, owner of the hip parasite boutique Le Ver, sat down with the Daily Medical Examiner to explain the philosophy behind worm therapy.
“Intestinal parasites have lived in harmony with humans for thousands of years. Because of the harmful effects of modern artificial medicine, we’ve lost their natural healing powers from our bodies. I’m seeking to bring the body back to nature and nature back to the body.”
The DME knows as well as anyone that nothing made by nature could be bad for you, but we needed raw data to prove it. So we sent one of our summer interns to the sunny west coast to give these weight-worms a try. Matthew Creyger, DME Intern #3, was eager to volunteer when he found out that we’d let him keep his job if he did. He gave us the skinny on this amazing new fad.
“The first few weeks were rough while I was trying to get used to the cramps, but Jean-Luc said that was the toxins leaving my body. I went to my doctor yesterday, and he says my cholesterol is down…along with my iron levels and red blood cell count. Overall, I’m doing pretty well, and I’ve found that if I stand up slowly I don’t pass out like I did at first.”
His results speak for themselves. Matt, who started his summer with us on the “chunkier end” of the intern spectrum, is now looking great and his clothes are practically sagging off of him. His waist size has dropped 4 inches, and the DME is giving parasite therapy two giant thumbs up. As always, we have our eyes on the heartbeat of healthcare and remain your source for the latest news and commentary.
Recruitment for the DME 2014 Summer Intern program is underway. Send your applications to firstname.lastname@example.org.
DISCLAIMER: All stories, quotations, medical reports, studies, and news entries are fictitious and fabricated for the purpose of satire. Any relationship to actual events present or historical should be considered coincidental. The DME uses invented names for people, businesses, and institutions in its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is coincidental.