Surgeon Finds Some Patients Don’t Appreciate His Little Experiment with Hugs

NORTHBINGER, CA – General Surgeon Jeff Britley, M.D., is touching patients in ways they never imagined.  After last year’s survey at the Northbinger Surgical Center indicated that he seemed “distant” or “rushed” during many patient visits, Dr. Britley made some dramatic changes to his bedside manner and patients have definitely noticed.

“I decided I just needed to get in there and get friendly,” says Dr. Britley from his West Covina home where he is currently waiting for the California Medical Board to review complaints made about his new style.  “Over the past 6 months I’ve revolutionized my bedside manner, making it a point to include healing touch and spacial intimacy in every moment I spend with my patients.”

He says he courageously pushed the boundaries of human proximity – a sort of pioneer on the frontiers of physical awkwardness.

“I made it my mission to step inside of each patient’s unique comfort zone and linger there… turning a simple hug or handshake into a truly magical and enduring experience.”

Those wonderfully tenacious touches have been a source of deep satisfaction to Dr. Britley in his practice of medicine, but have generated no small amount of controversy amongst clinic patients. One patient reported being “very disturbed” by his attempt to lie in the hospital bed beside him while they talked.

“He put his arms around me and started whispering in my ear about my appendix.  After he left, I felt very dirty.  I couldn’t eat for the rest of the day,” said Sam Quinnings, describing his recent hospital visit with the doctor.

A female patient who experienced what Dr. Britley calls the “connective power of massage” during a follow-up visit for her gallstones filed a complaint with the state’s medical board.

“He stood so close to me that I could smell green peppers,” complains an anonymous patient on Google Reviews.  “When he caressed my shoulder blade with the palm of his hand, I ‘Maced’ him and ran out of the office.”

As Dr. Britley tries to strike that perfect balance between aloofness and assault, the DME will keep you updated on his progress.  Nonetheless, for his bold efforts to bring medicine back to the realm of hands-on intimacy, Dr. Britley is nominated as this week’s DME Health Hero.


DISCLAIMER: All stories, quotations, medical reports, studies, and news entries are fictitious and fabricated for the purpose of satire.  Any relationship to actual events present or historical should be considered coincidental. The DME uses invented names for people, businesses, and institutions in its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is coincidental.

2 thoughts on “Surgeon Finds Some Patients Don’t Appreciate His Little Experiment with Hugs

  1. “After he left, I felt very dirty…”
    “As Dr. Britley tries to strike that perfect balance between aloofness and assault,…”

    I LOL’d at these! Brilliant! :3

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