Newest Bond Movie Aims To Teach Young People About STD’s

James Bond

LOS ANGELES, CA – Known as much for his amorous on-screen encounters as for his cunning heroism, the debonaire British spy who taught multiple generations about espionage is about to thrill and captivate movie-goers with helpful information about STD’s.  Audiences will be wowed by special effects and car chases as they watch James Bond cope with the real-life repercussions of four decades of sexual indiscretion.

As a follow-up to its recent action features Quantum of Solace and Skyfall, Eon Productions has created 007: The Man with the Burning Regret, a gripping tale of remorse and consequences.  Without revealing too much of the plot, Production Manager Will Jesmush shared his excitement with the Daily Medical Examiner about this newest installment in Ian Fleming’s classic spy series.

“We’ve decided to take the James Bond franchise in a totally different direction; this is the first Bond movie to address relationship and health issues head on.   I think young people are really going to connect with this newer, more realistic and sensitive action hero.  They’ll watch as he tries to deal with global threats while also trying to cope with threats of a much more ‘intimate’ nature at home,” he said.  Rumor has it that the final scenes of the movie will even include a dramatic showdown between Bond and a ruthless army of his own illegitimate children who are desperately searching for a father figure.

Why James Bond, though?  After all, there must be many action heroes that would lend their skills and star-power to the noble purpose of public education – crime-fighters capable of doing battle with both evil villains and genital herpes.

“There’s no better poster boy for STD education than James Bond,” said Elizabeth Brosholi, Director of the Center for Disease Control’s Media Division.  “Conservative estimates suggest that in his 40 year career, 007 has had more than 50 cinematic sexual partners, and that’s only counting the on-screen ones.  The burden of his sexually transmitted disease exposure is astounding!”

While young people eagerly await the release date of what is sure to be a summer blockbuster, Eon Productions is already laying plans for future movies, including oo7: Shaken AND Stirred about the burden of alcoholism and  007: Live and Let Diet about Bond’s struggle with mid-life obesity.

007: The Man with the Burning Regret is slated to release in U.S. theaters August 13th, 2013.

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DISCLAIMER: All stories, quotations, medical reports, studies, and news entries are fictitious and fabricated for the purpose of satire.  Any relationship to actual events present or historical should be considered coincidental. The DME uses invented names for people, businesses, and institutions in its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is coincidental.

3 thoughts on “Newest Bond Movie Aims To Teach Young People About STD’s

  1. Right on target!
    The DME scores another direct “hit.” Good thing the editor has a license to thrill.

  2. Pingback: Ben Affleck to Star as Depressed Batman in “Dark Knight of the Soul” | the Daily Medical Examiner

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