WASHINGTON, D.C. – The blistering rhetoric from North Korea continued today from Pyongyang with a new round of press releases. In what may have been a translation error this afternoon, North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un vowed to “unleash upon the US a rain of chlamydia [sic] like nothing anyone has ever seen before.”
“We will not stand any longer in silence against the Imperialist persecutors across the sea. I have ordered my generals to aim our formidable arsenal of chlamydia upon the major cities of the American tyrants. We will strike terror into their hearts, and chlamydia pouring from the sky will turn their cities into lakes of burning fire,” said the pronouncement.
Pentagon Press Secretary Mickey Zipaolitini stated later in a press conference that it was unclear exactly what North Korea meant with its latest salvo of threats but stated that the United States was taking precautions to prepare for “any possible contingency.”
“We had anticipated the use of biological weapons…I don’t think that chlamydia defenses specifically had been in our preparations… Actually, I can say that an attack of airborne chlamydia would definitely be unexpected; but I’m confident that our military and scientific communities have the tools to respond.”
When asked if he thought the North Korean press releases might have been mistranslated, he said, “It’s getting very hard to tell whether North Korea has any idea what it’s saying anymore.”
As the American public braces itself for what could be a frightening onslaught of urethritis, conjunctivitis, and cervicitis, the Daily Medical Examiner will do its utmost to keep you safe and informed.
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