To Armstrong: Texas Woman Wants Her Blood Back

Lance Armstrong finishing 3rd in Sète, taking ...

Lance Armstrong finishing 3rd in Sète, taking over the Yellow Jersey at Grand Prix Midi Libre 2002 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Austin, TX – Michelle Switvater of Austin, Texas is angry.  Lance Armstrong sullied the good name of cycling, broke the sacred trust between fans and professional athletes, and inspired cancer patients with lies.  But that’s not why she’s angry.  In his elaborate trail of blood transfusions, EPO, and testosterone strewn across a decade, it appears he left yet another victim behind.

“That man took my blood.  I know it,” she said in local TV interview.  “I gave blood right before the 2003 Tour de France, and I’m pretty sure that he got my blood.  We have the same blood type.”

As a semi-pro bowler, she says her stout blood would have been just the ticket to carry him up the arduous mountain passes of Stage 15 to Luz Ardiden.

“I’ve been deceived and cheated.  I assumed that the blood would go to, like, a cancer patient or somebody in a car accident; instead my beautiful blood went to help some guy in spandex win a bicycle race in France.”

She is straightforward in her demands for restitution.

“I want my blood back.  If he can’t give it back, then he should have to give a bunch of his own blood to cancer patients.  And he should give me some money, like at least a thousand dollars.”


DISCLAIMER: All stories, quotations, medical reports, studies, and news entries are fictitious – created in the interest of humor. They are fabricated by the Daily Medical Examiner creative staff, and any relationship to actual events present or historical should be considered coincidental. The DME uses invented names for people, businesses, and institutions in its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is coincidental.

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