NUNAVUT, CANADA – After years of ceaseless nagging from the tenacious Mrs. Claus, Santa finally agreed to go to his North Pole primary care provider for a much overdue health maintenance exam. As it turns out, hundreds of years of jolly living and indiscriminate holiday snacking have left the rosy-cheeked wonder-worker with an LDL (“bad cholesterol”) that is up on the rooftop and a BMI in the “morbidly obese” range. The sugarplum fairy has also left our yuletide friend with a full-blown case of sugarplum Type II Diabetes.
We caught up with the Claus family doctor, Jill Katchetkwa M.D., in the Nunavut territory of Canada and asked her to comment on the health of everyone’s favorite chimney creeper.
“That man is a ticking time-bomb; I can’t imagine a better poster-boy for the high-risk cardiac patient. Mr. Claus lives a highly sedentary life – pulled by a herd of reindeer everywhere he goes. He travels in a cloud of pipe smoke and works only a few days a year, letting elves do even the most basic of daily tasks, like getting him the TV remote or bringing him another hot chocolate or slab of fried reindeer meat. During the single day he does any physical work, the man binges on so many cookies it gives me heartburn just thinking about it.”
Adding to his cardiac risk profile is the fact that behind that jolly exterior, he is a stress-riddled Type A personality – an industrial CEO of multinational proportions, fretting daily about maintaining his monopoly, quashing rebellions amongst his enslaved elf minions, and obsessing over the naughty behavior of some 2 billion children across the world.
“He’s going to have to make some lifestyle changes or there won’t be anymore Christmas; he needs to start by losing the ‘bowl-full-of-jelly’-belly.”
Alas, it is sadly ironic that the red-velvet messiah of Western consumption should be threatened thus by the very holiday sweetness that he comes to bring to others. For now, the world’s cardiac centers can only keep a close eye on the skies and hope that his coronary arteries are not too far away when the big one hits.
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