Big Pharma Brings Jobs to Unemployed Island Children

Photo by FSG777


Photo by FSG777

OAREN, YUARU – Under fire for animal testing, ZestroPharmica‘s skin-care line Dermagizer has launched a new animal-friendly line of cosmetics, specifically formulated to keep North American animal lovers happy and wrinkle-free.  In the eyes of animal rights activists, ZestroPharmica’s animal research lab had become a leading offender in the mistreatment of fellow mammals – a place where innocent rats and piglets in restrictive cages had foul quantities of lotion and mascara lathered onto their fragile skin, day after day for their entire tortured lives.  Following weeks of picketing from activists, public boycotts, and an incident where one woman set herself temporarily on fire outside a ZestroPharmica (ZP) office complex, ZP has closed the doors of its animal research facility, releasing most of these beleaguered creatures back into the wild where they may once again enjoy the sweet freedom of life in the natural food chain.

Animal,Porkey Pig, Lobund-Wistar

Animal,Porkey Pig, Lobund-Wistar (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

While Dermagizer division manager Kevin Chrilter admits it was hard seeing the Zestropharmica Mammal Research Lab closed, he says that the company’s expanding collaboration with the Pacific island nation of Yauru has opened wonderful opportunities for both parties.

“It’s funny how fate closes one door and opens another.  The children of Yauru, previously unemployed and under-employed, now have an unprecedented chance to participate in pharmaceutical research.  The children get to experience topical product testing in a comfortable and nurturing environment, with work hours that most developing countries would consider quite luxurious.  These children, many of whom do not have access to routine medical care, are now being monitored closely for adverse reactions by industry’s finest medical scientists.”

ZP has added hundreds of jobs to the Yauruan economy, some paying the extravagant equivalent of US minimum wage.  In contrast to the bitter battles of trying to pursue animal research in North America, ZP has found the people of Yauru quite welcoming.

“I can’t even believe this is possible!  We’re doing things with these wonderful kids that we could never have dreamed of in the harsh and restrictive political environment of America,” says Chrilter.  “Until you witness the joy on the face of one of these beautiful children trying on a new, untested Dermagizer product for the first time, it’s really hard to grasp the reality of what we’re doing here.”

The new product line, called OrganoNatureEarthSmooth, is slated to release this Spring with the motto, “Strong Enough for a Woman…Gentle Enough for a Pacific Island Baby.”

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DISCLAIMER: All stories, quotations, medical reports, studies, and news entries are fictitious – created in the interest of humor. They are the rotten fruit borne from the imagination of the Daily Medical Examiner creative staff, and any relationship to actual events present or historical should be considered coincidental. The DME uses invented names for people, businesses, and institutions in its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is coincidental.

2 thoughts on “Big Pharma Brings Jobs to Unemployed Island Children

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