Celebrated Doctor Unintelligible to 94% of Listeners

Original “Peer”-reviewed Data from the Daily Medical Examiner.

LIGHTPORT, IL – A hospital-wide survey conducted late last week at Tender Bleeding Heart Medical Center confirms what many have long suspected: despite Dermatology consultant, Dr. Izta Yamagrachizen’s famous clinical prowess, the majority of those with whom he interacts have no idea what he is saying “most” or “all” of the time.

“I didn’t even realize that he was speaking English at first,” commented one nurse, who felt that asking a man of his stature to repeat himself about the verbal orders he gave yesterday would have been rude.  “I guessed he probably wanted some steroid cream for those spots on Mrs. Smith’s back, so I went ahead and put the orders in.”

It turns out that his reputation and kind demeanor speak louder than words, as patients and colleagues alike seem universally to trust him – regardless of whether they can make out his speech.

“I believe he said the problem a was in my testicles,” said Bill Writhmers, who developed a drug rash during treatment for community-acquired pneumonia.  “I’m not sure what we’re going to do about it, but he seemed to be on top of things.”

Dr. Y’s good natured-smile and easy-going ways have also made him a favorite among students and house staff.

“He never yells at anyone.  He gave us a 30-minute talk last week which was amazing…I think he was talking about lupus.  If I could have understood it, I totally would have learned a ton.  I couldn’t tell what he wanted us to do for Mrs. Edgerutter’s rash, but I looked it up and decided he’d probably want to us to start some steroids,” said Intern Kate Threshington.  “He writes chart notes that are several pages long, and I can’t read a word of them, but he’s obviously so thorough…everyone knows the man is a genius; I heard he practically built Johns Hopkins medical school.”

While no one knows exactly what country he came from or what medical school he went to, Dr. Yamagrachizen’s power to practice medicine by the sheer force of his authoritative presence, unfettered by the need to be understood, is what makes him this week’s Daily Medical Examiner Health Hero.


DISCLAIMER: All stories, quotations, medical reports, studies, and news entries are fictitious, created in the interest of humor. They are the ripe and, sometimes, rotten fruit borne from the fecund imagination of the Daily Medical Examiner creative staff, and any relationship to actual events present or historical should be considered coincidental. The DME uses invented names for people, businesses, and institutions in its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is coincidental.

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