Hospital Emergency Departments have been ravaged by the flood of Republicans seeking medical attention in the wake of the nation’s recent national elections. Patients, predominately white males ranging from 35 to 85 years old, have arrived in hoards at emergency departments from coast to coast with a complex of symptoms which is quickly becoming so recognizable that it’s earned the label “Post-election Somatization Disorder,” (PESD). Classically, it is characterized by the following Pentad:
1. Angina (88%)
2. Nausea and Vomiting (67%)
3. Sense of Impending Doom (65%)
4. Hemorrhoidal Flares (28%)
5. Dissociative Fugue (18%)
PESD can typically be managed with overnight observation; treatment is conservative and involves placing the patient in a soothing and calm environment without access to current media outlets. Some medical centers have found benefit from playing continuous video footage of Ronald Reagan speeches during recovery. No deaths have yet been reported from PESD.
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