Republican Hospital Admissions Soar in the Wake of Election

Republican Party (United States)

Republican Party (United States) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hospital Emergency Departments have been ravaged by the flood of Republicans seeking medical attention in the wake of the nation’s recent national elections.  Patients, predominately white males ranging from 35 to 85 years old, have arrived in hoards at emergency departments from coast to coast with a complex of symptoms which is quickly becoming so recognizable that it’s earned the label “Post-election Somatization Disorder,” (PESD).  Classically, it is characterized by the following Pentad:

1.  Angina (88%)

2.  Nausea and Vomiting (67%)

3.  Sense of Impending Doom (65%)

4.  Hemorrhoidal Flares (28%)

And, occasionally…

5.  Dissociative Fugue (18%)

PESD can typically be managed with overnight observation; treatment is conservative and involves placing the patient in a soothing and calm environment without access to current media outlets.  Some medical centers have found benefit from playing continuous video footage of Ronald Reagan speeches during recovery.  No deaths have yet been reported from PESD.

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DISCLAIMER: All stories, quotations, medical reports, studies, and news entries are fictitious, created in the interest of humor. They are the ripe and, sometimes, rotten fruit borne from the fecund imagination of the Daily Medical Examiner creative staff, and any relationship to actual events present or historical should be considered coincidental. TheDME uses invented names for people, businesses, and institutions in its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is coincidental.

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