Hot Wings Versus Standard Medical Therapy

Photo by Moi Cody

A new trial published last week in the Journal of Alternative Gastroenterology is a wet sock in the face to standard medical approaches to treating acute constipation.  Lead authors, Drs. Hutzlinger and Shpaenz, organized a rigorous, randomized head-to-head comparison of traditional medical regimens (including lactulose, polyethylene glycol, and docusate) with an aggressive, all natural regimen of 12 “Flamin’ Spicy” chicken wings from national restaurant chain, Engagement Wing.  The study included 98 individuals at multiple major medical centers.

Results shocked advocates of standard medical treatment, as the Wing group reached the target end-point in 85% compared with 63% in the group randomized to usual medical laxatives (p <0.05).  Additionally, the Wing group reached the therapeutic target within 12 hours, where average time to goal was 2.4 days in the medical therapy arm.

The Wing group’s success was tempered by a slightly higher rate of minor side effects, including “abdominal pain, burning, acid reflux, regrets, and suicidal thoughts.”  Additionally, drop-out rate was significantly higher in the Wing group.

Despite the author’s astounding results, Engagement Wing has sought to downplay the trial’s findings.

“You can’t believe everything that doctors tell you,” said Engagement Wing CEO, Mike Piazzioglio.  “There’s nothing wrong with our wings and the 12-Wing Meal Deal is not necessarily a recipe for diarrhea.”  In response, Piazzioglio has launched a national campaign, called “Give Our Wings a Fly” and is discounting several combo items from the menu.


DISCLAIMER: All stories, quotations, medical reports, studies, and news entries are fictitious, created in the interest of humor. They are the ripe and, sometimes, rotten fruit borne from the fecund imagination of the Daily Medical Examiner creative staff, and any relationship to actual events present or historical should be considered coincidental. The DME uses invented names for people, businesses, and institutions in its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is coincidental.

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