LONDON, UK – The British Royal family is in a royal rage this week as shocking photos of the Queen’s cataract surgery have splashed across the pages of the French tabloid, Le Singe. There on a 24-page spread are high-resolution photos of everything from the first incision to the final sponge count. These photos, sold to the French press earlier this month, were published in this week’s edition on the cover page with the title – loosely translated from French – “God Save the Queen’s Peepers!”
This invasion of privacy has taken Buckingham Palace by surprise and has them seeking legal consult as they attempt to quash the unauthorized publication. The operating room nurse who took the pictures has already been fired from his position at the NHS and is currently enjoying an early retirement in Greece funded by receipts from selling the photos. (In America, where medical privacy (HIPAA) laws are somewhat more stringent, the man and up to two generations of his offspring could have had all of their internal organs forcibly donated to others as punishment for even mentioning that an identifiable individual had had cataract surgery.)
While British blood boils, the French response to the supposed breach has been tepid. “It’s just a woman undergoing routine ocular surgery…I don’t see what the big deal is,” said Gaston Monoise, editor of Le Singe. “It is the human body and it is beautiful.”
The first round of photos may only be the beginning, as recent reports seem to indicate that a similar article, titled “See the Queen’s New Implants!,” will appear in the German publication, Der Lowenzahn, later this week. Rumor has it that this release will include tantalizing, not-yet-seen images of the Queen’s pupils being dilated prior to the surgery.
DISCLAIMER: All stories, quotations, medical reports, studies, and news entries are fictitious, created in the interest of humor. They are the ripe and, sometimes, rotten fruit borne from the fecund imagination of the Daily Medical Examiner creative staff, and any relationship to actual events present or historical should be considered coincidental. The DME uses invented names for people, businesses, and institutions in its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is coincidental.