Furious Short Thumbs Ostracized by Latest iPhone

Photo by Lesley Mackin

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Anticipation of the store release of Apple’s new iPhone 5 is sweeping the nation faster than viral diarrhea at a daycare, but an angry group of handicapped Americans sees this new technology as yet another attempt to alienate them from mainstream society.  With its expansive 4-inch display, Apple has placed more power into the hands of smartphone users and, incidentally, just out of reach of one population of disabled Americans.  This persevering group of digitally challenged individuals, sufferers from Brachydactyly Type D (aka Clubbed Thumb syndrome), see Apple’s screen extension as a direct attack on their right to enjoy the same technology that has been placed at the fingertips of everyone else.

Wayne Parchells, Editor of Little Thumbs Rights Watch, says he was livid as he watched last week’s keynote address.  “By enlarging the screen on iPhone 5, Apple’s narrow-minded cadre of long-fingered bigots has put our rights, as well as the top row of “App” icons, just out of reach.  We won’t stand by and accept this.  It’s like when Rosa Parks refused to sit down at the back of the airplane.  We won’t sit down either.  We’re demanding that Apple bring back a screen that keeps technology accessible for all,” he said.

English: The Apple Store at 59th Street and Fi...

English: The Apple Store at 59th Street and Fifth Avenue, New York City. The store is actually underground, accessed through stairs or an elevator in the glass box. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

One of Apple’s leading engineers, who declined to give his name for comment, was unsympathetic, “We can’t custom tailor the phone for a handful of ‘toe-thumbs’ out there.”  (Please note that the terms “toe thumb” as well as the more dated “murderer’s thumb” moniker are considered offensive slurs to many short-thumbed individuals.)

However, Wayne Parchells remains unappeased.  “It’s like if you went into McDonald’s and they put the Big Macs up on a shelf so high that only people who were taller than 5 foot 7 could get to it.  We wouldn’t stand for that would we?!  Why, people would be outraged, and I don’t see how this is any different,” he replied.

A public boycott as well as several high-profile protests at major Apple stores are planned.  Despite the controversy, many Apple fanatics remain blissfully apathetic to the plight of their shorter-digitted peers, and it appears that sales of the mobile juggernaut will continue unbridled by concerns about equality.

“Like, I wouldn’t care if it knocked over a rainforest each time you turned it on!!  I’d still want one,” said 17 year-old Abbey Relding as she sat outside the Apple store in Shreveport, Louisiana, texting on the iPhone 4 and waiting for her boyfriend to pick her up for Friday night’s football game.  This enthusiastic apathy will undoubtedly resonate in the heart of many iPhone addicts…as long as their thumbs are the right length.


DISCLAIMER: All stories, quotations, medical reports, studies, and news entries are fictitious, created in the interest of humor. They are the ripe and, sometimes, rotten fruit borne from the fecund imagination of the Daily Medical Examiner creative staff, and any relationship to actual events present or historical should be considered coincidental. The DME uses invented names for people, businesses, and institutions in its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is coincidental.

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