Small Town Ophthalmology Rivalry Goes Sour


Created from original photos by Gabriella Fabbri and Michal Zacharzewski

APACHE, KS – A previously amicable small-town “Eye MD” rivalry turned ugly last month with a salvo of openly hostile advertising in what has recently become a highly competitive LASIK market. With only 7,000 citizens (or 13,999 eyes) to compete for in the small city of Apache, the town’s two ophthalmologists, Drs. Booker and Lamkins, have been battling for every inch of precious ocular territory.

While each side accuses the other of firing the first shot in this new derogatory marketing, things quickly became personal when Dr. Booker took out a full page advertisement in the Apache Courier revealing Dr. Lamkins below-average 2nd year medical school grade transcript. Lamkins quickly responded to this personal attack by buying his own full page ad with a defense explaining how his grandmother died during the Fall of second year of medical school and counter-attacking with pictures of Dr. Booker wearing a Speedo on his 27-foot yacht in the Caribbean with the town’s middle school librarian.

Not to be outdone, Dr. Booker took the negative campaigning to yet a new level by publicly accusing Lamkins of using medical instruments manufactured in communist nations and employing under-age workers during the summer. Lamkins quickly went on record with Channel 7’s WAPC local news to say that he is not a communist and that these “underage workers” were his kids who worked at the front desk for a summer job; he ended his interview with vague and currently unsubstantiated speculation about things that Dr. Booker might be doing while his patients were under sedation.

As rhetoric escalates, there does not appear to be any limit to the vehemence which these two “eye doctors” can produce. The Daily Medical Examiner will continue to be your source for the latest information as developments arise.

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DISCLAIMER: All stories, medical reports, studies, and news entries are fictitious, created in the interest of humor. They are the ripe and, sometimes, rotten fruit borne from the fecund imagination of the Daily Medical Examiner creative staff, and any relationship to actual events present or historical should be considered coincidental. The DME uses invented names for people, businesses, and institutions in its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is coincidental.

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