A Cure for Refractory Drug-Seeking


Photo by Mattox

MIAMI, FL – After much debate and several widely publicized Phase III clinical trials, the FDA has approved Placebocodone (dextrolaxatine) for the treatment of refractory drug-seeking. Touted as an alternative to harsh prescription denials on the part of medical providers, Placebocodone has the ability to quickly and easily alleviate the excruciating pain that opiate-seeking patients can cause in emergency departments, walk-in-clinics, and primary care offices.

“Providers looking for an answer for the narcotic drug seeker who keeps coming back now have an exciting new weapon in their arsenal,” said ZestroPharmica’s regional sales representative, Kathy Jushten. “After years of research, Placebocodone is specially formulated to target even the most bothersome and refractory pain-seeking.”

Placebocodone – a newly formulated mixture of dextrose, over-the-counter laxative, low-dose anti-depressant (SSRI), and powdered wasabi – was proven to be non-inferior to placebo in alleviating all forms of pain, including cryptogenic perineal pain, pain which is “usually only fixed with Dilaudid,” atypical chest pain, and post-ictal pseudoseizure pain. Placebocodone has also been used off-label for treating the pain of unrequited love with promising results.

Placebocodone is safe in overdose, and its only reported side-effect is mild diarrhea at high doses. The drug comes in a variety of dosing forms and can be increased at each visit without limit until the patient ceases to return for follow-up. An easy-to-swallow liquid and a patch are also available for patients with difficulty taking pills. Importantly, placebocodone has low potential for addiction and minimal risk for abuse.

Recent trials have shown powerful results and Zestropharmica’s stock values are soaring following the drug’s market release. A large, multi-center study demonstrated that nearly 30% of patients did not return for additional pain medications after the first prescription for Placebocodone, and there was a dose-dependent improvement in non-return, with nearly 95% of patients choosing not to return for additional pain medications by the time of the third prescription.

The release of Placebocodone is a promising sign that Zestropharmica has rebounded from the recent recall of its headline drug Somnularis. Although drug company representatives have been highly secretive, there are also leaked market rumors that a new drug for the cure of stage IV bromhidrosis (bodily odors) could catapult Zestropharmica even further into the forefront of medical drug development.

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DISCLAIMER: All stories, medical reports, news entries, and commentary are fictitious, created in the interest of humor. They are the ripe and sometimes rotten fruit borne from the fecund imagination of the Daily Medical Examiner creative staff, and any actual relationship to events present or historical should be considered coincidental. The DME uses invented names for people, businesses, and institutions in its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is coincidental.

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