Arizona Man Says Dick Cheney Stole His Heart


Photo by Mattox

LOMA SUCIA, AZ – Thomas “TJ” Clatthers believes that he lost more than just his sobriety one rainy Arizona night earlier this Spring.  After a long night at local favorite Rambler’s bar where he resumed alcohol after 48 hard fought hours of abstinence , he found himself (or most of himself, he believes), lying on the floor of his own living room with a 13 inch gash across his chest and several bruises on his face.  He notes that since that night, he has suffered from chronic fatigue, listlessness, and a heaviness in his chest that he says even a fifth of whiskey can’t relieve.

“I felt tired and run down ever since that night, and it didn’t make any sense until a week later when I saw that Cheney got a new heart that same night.  It didn’t take me long to figure out what happened.”  Now, he says, he knows that a certain former Vice President may be walking around on his borrowed ventricles.

Cheney’s medical team has been highly secretive about the identity of the donor, but Clatthers says it doesn’t take a genius to understand why they won’t tell anyone where the former Vice President got his heart.  He has left several angry phone messages with Mr. Cheney’s staff, but notes that his calls have gone unanswered.

“If they think that they can just come down here and take my heart without asking, then they’ve got something else coming to them.”  Clatthers, who is a registered Democrat, believes that political tensions may have driven his selection for involuntary organ procurement.  “I didn’t vote for them and he knows it.”

While he is clear that no amount of compensation could possibly repair the damage done to him, Clatthers is simple in his demands for restitution, saying, “I want my heart back, I want the public intoxication arrest from 2004 off my record, and I want to bang the gavel to open the next session of congress.  And I want $5,000.”

The former Vice President’s office remains unavailable for comment at this time.

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