WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a highly anticipated ruling today, the U.S. Supreme Court upheld the president’s health care legislation – the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (PPACA) – but voted 8 to 1 in favor of condemning the act as “too long for anybody to read.” In the majority statement, Justice Antonin Scalia reported that he tried to sort through the bill while watching the most recent season of Mad Men on DVD, but observed that the the health care bill bored him so thoroughly that after 23 pages he “could hardly find the will to breathe anymore.” Anonymously, another justice reported that she left the bill by the toilet in hopes of reading a little bit each day; however, after six months, she admitted she still couldn’t make it through the first 200 of a daunting 2,074 pages.
“If anyone reasonably expects us to support a bill like this, it’s going to need to be a lot shorter. It’s so long that it’s practically unconstitutional,” added Justice Scalia at the end of the court’s decision.
Justice Elena Kagan delivered the dissenting ruling, stating, “I don’t know what the big deal is. I read it while we were on a road trip to Oregon and it wasn’t so bad.” Chief Justice John Roberts responded that “the court declares Kagan is a kiss-up and hereby orders her to pick up our lunch trays until the December recess.”
While public sentiment continues to ripple in the turbulent wake of their decision, Americans can find harbor in the knowledge that their leaders share with them a common certainty that the most powerful statements in life should take 140 characters or less.
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Please see the real healthcare ruling passed today.