New Study Links Childhood Vaccines to Bad Manners Later in Life

Photo by Sergio Catala

WATERS, GA – A new report released in this month’s issue of the American Journal of Etiquette added fuel to criticism of mass childhood vaccination by illuminating the shocking association between vaccination schedules and poor social adjustment in adulthood.  For twenty years, researchers followed a cohort of patients who received childhood vaccinations; at follow-up intervals, they offered a validated social skills questionnaire to family and acquaintances.  At follow-up, respondents characterized nearly 41% of those who received standard childhood immunizations as having “extremely poor manners.”  This was a marked change from the survey participants recollections of manners from previous, un-immunized generations; nearly 84% responded that in their day “people were more polite.”

While the Center for Disease Control’s Head of Pediatric Immunization declined to comment, researchers and study participants were eager to spread their findings.

Diane Cathison, mother of one study participant was not surprised by the results; “I still haven’t gotten a ‘thank you’ note for the crystal vase I gave Richard for his wedding, and I’ll be darned if that hepatitis B series isn’t to blame.  I know that wasn’t the way I raised him.”

Study respondents were quick to cite evidence of vaccinations’ repulsive social impact.  “Jim smacks his gums before starting a sentence and has this one long hair hanging out of his nose; I find that absolutely disgusting,” said one co-worker of Jim Baliweshy.  Perhaps not surprisingly, Mr. Baliweshy received his measles, mumps, and rubella vaccine on schedule.

Some criticism has been leveled at the study, which did not include an un-immunized control group, but authors of the study argued that it would not have been ethical not to immunize children.  However, they stand by the results of their study and continue to argue that the decay of social graces in younger generations deserves further investigation.

Dr. Wilbur Whichens, of the Southeastern Georgia Center for Social Research defended his results in an editorial written in the AJE.  “You don’t need a study to tell you that kids these days have no manners; I’ve got this grandson-in-law who is always mumbling when he talks and can’t take his eyes off his stupid phone long enough to have a normal conversation.  Back in my day, a round of mumps orchitis would have been enough to teach him some respect.”

While uncertain of the implications of their research for future vaccination of America’s children, Whichens and co-author Dr. Charlie Dunnson remain confident that if something is not done, future generations of the US will “undoubtedly degenerate into a herd of disrespectful and entitled sloths, incapable of honest work.”


DISCLAIMER:  All stories, medical reports, news entries, and commentary are fictitious, created in the interest of humor.  They are the ripe and sometimes rotten fruit borne from the fecund imagination of the Daily Medical Examiner creative staff and any actual relationship to events present or historical should be considered coincidental.  The DME uses invented names for people, businesses, and institutions in its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized.  Any other use of real names is coincidental.

One thought on “New Study Links Childhood Vaccines to Bad Manners Later in Life

  1. Pingback: Study Finds 98% of Toddlers Against Routine Immunization | the Daily Medical Examiner

Comments are closed.