Original photo by Adam Ciesielski

Local ER Physician is an Expert on What’s Wrong with Poor People

Happy Valley, ID – “Entitlement…Entitlement and laziness… and bad choices,” explains Dr. Jestins as he leans back into his rolling armchair at the doctor’s station in the Happy Valley General Hospital’s Emergency Department. Dr. Jestins has been conducting impromptu lectures on the vagaries of impoverished persons for over 10 years from his seat at the ED…

The new attraction will feature preventable infectious disease from a rainbow of cultures and nations.

Disney’s “It’s a Small World” now features strong Pro-Vaccine message

Anaheim, CA – In an ingenious effort to combat a spate of bad publicity and promote public health after a high profile measles outbreak at one of its theme parks, Disney has re-tooled its iconic, “It’s a Small World” ride to feature a strong message about the benefits of vaccination. “Instead of simply seeing joyful…

Original photo by Hans Thoursie

Study finds Majority of Americans in Favor of Rationing Other People’s Healthcare

SEATTLE, WA – In these torrid days of healthcare upheaval, it’s hard to find much of anything that Americans can agree about.  That’s why a new study from the Journal of American Healthcare Economics is turning heads and raising eyebrows.  The study, seeking to learn more about public attitudes on healthcare spending, revealed an astonishing unity…

Original photo by Michael Lorenzo

Nurse Manager Receives 20-Year Service Award, No One Exactly Sure What She’s Been Doing All That Time

TOPEKA, KS – Barbara Yittle, RN, BSN, MHASN, MOWCN, FACMN, KRZN, stood proudly on the stage of Topeka Memorial Hospital’s  Smith Auditorium last Friday as she received the hospital’s award for 20 years of distinguished service.  An elegant crystal paperweight and a certificate of gratitude were presented to honor her two decades of loyal work for Topeka Memorial. Nurse…

Medical Satire

Google Search Reveals that Iowa Man’s Headache is Probably a Brain Tumor

DES MOINES, IA – For 25 year-old Bill Whishtler, the news hit him in the face like a wet gym sock full of bricks.  Late Saturday night, after putting his symptoms into Google, he found out that the dull headache that had nagged him since he woke that morning was most likely the beginning of the end for him.…

Original photo by Marcelo Rabelo

Astounding Study Finds Puppies As Good As Many Anti-Depressant Medications

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – A brilliant study published last month in the Journal of Unconventional Psychiatry finds that standard anti-depressant medications may not be the final answer in treating major depressive disorder.  Researchers at the University of Western San Francisco found that a program of regimented puppy exposure was as effective as first-line treatment with any one of the major first-line…

Hipster

World Health Organization Predicts Global Hipster Shortage in 2030

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – To those living in a golden era of hipster abundance, a dire warning emerged last week from the World Health Organization’s Lifestyle Task Force. “We’ve run the numbers, and what we’re seeing will totally explode your brain.  We’re seeing a near-universal shortage of hipsters over the next 1-2 decades,” said Jim Lehnder from the WHO’s Endangered Human Population Research Corps.…

Original photo by Ginny Austin

Georgia Grandmother Prefers Not to Talk About Grandson Who is in Medical School

ATHENS, GA – 82 year-old Rose Thrister admitted late last week to other residents of the Forever Springtime Independent Retirement Community that she’d rather not talk about her high-acheiving grandson, Chistopher Thrister. “I just can’t imagine that people want to hear me drone on about how handsome he turned out to be, or about how he’s…

Syphilis

I Got Syphilis! Which Pathogen Are You?

ARLINGTON, VA – From Harry Potter to Downton Abbey to David Bowie, on-line personality quizzes have become an annoyingly infectious internet sensation.  After responding to a simple set of questions, these websites assign users a fictional character who best matches their unique personality traits.  The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) picked up on the fad and…

Simulation Dummy

Simulation Dummy Has Pulse, But Cannot Feel Love

AUSTIN, TX – The ELVIN2.0 dummy is the most advanced medical simulation mannequin available, and he has made his way into the classrooms of medical institutions across the nation.  Our DME Medical Product Ethics and Humanities Investigation Team went to Zestropharmica‘s R&D headquarters in Austin to learn more about this amazing device.   “He breathes, he talks, he…

Former Centers for Disease Control (CDC) Director, David J. Sencer, M.D., M.P.H., during his Directorship.  Dr. Sencer was a pioneer in searching for the pathogen responsible for childhood "Cooties."

Scientists Confirm: “Cooties” Real and Highly Contagious

ATLANTA, GA – Just in time for Valentine’s Day, scientists at the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) in Atlanta have confirmed that age-old fears about contraction of the childhood illness, “Cooties,” are indeed justified.  The virus responsible for childhood Cooties was identified in a high-security isolation laboratory late last week by a team of virologists…

The Expanded Bristol Stool Chart provides useful insights into personality and helpful advice for decisions.

Doo and You: What the Bristol Stool Chart Tells Us About Personality

BOSTON, MA – A study published in the Journal of Excremental Studies this week reveals new secrets from a timeless tool.  In 1997, the Bristol Stool Scale forever changed the way that we think about stool and, thus, life.  Distilling thousands of years of observation into a simple chart which encompasses the whole range of…

Original photo by Andreas Krappweis

New Health Screening Tool Predicts Bear Attack Risk

The journal Annals of Primary Care and Wildlife Trauma has published a revolutionary new screening tool for busy primary care docs wondering whether their patient is at risk for bear-induced medical injury (BIMI).  Bear-induced medical injury and bear-related limb reduction (BRLR) have been a part of human existence for thousands of years, but this is a first…