Hipster

World Health Organization Predicts Global Hipster Shortage in 2030

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND - To those living in a golden era of hipster abundance, a dire warning emerged last week from the World Health Organization’s Lifestyle Task Force. “We’ve run the numbers, and what we’re seeing will totally explode your brain.  We’re seeing a near-universal shortage of hipsters over the next 1-2 decades,” said Jim Lehnder from the WHO’s Endangered Human Population Research Corps.…

Original photo by Ginny Austin

Georgia Grandmother Prefers Not to Talk About Grandson Who is in Medical School

ATHENS, GA – 82 year-old Rose Thrister admitted late last week to other residents of the Forever Springtime Independent Retirement Community that she’d rather not talk about her high-acheiving grandson, Chistopher Thrister. “I just can’t imagine that people want to hear me drone on about how handsome he turned out to be, or about how he’s…

Syphilis

I Got Syphilis! Which Pathogen Are You?

ARLINGTON, VA – From Harry Potter to Downton Abbey to David Bowie, on-line personality quizzes have become an annoyingly infectious internet sensation.  After responding to a simple set of questions, these websites assign users a fictional character who best matches their unique personality traits.  The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) picked up on the fad and…

Simulation Dummy

Simulation Dummy Has Pulse, But Cannot Feel Love

AUSTIN, TX – The ELVIN2.0 dummy is the most advanced medical simulation mannequin available, and he has made his way into the classrooms of medical institutions across the nation.  Our DME Medical Product Ethics and Humanities Investigation Team went to Zestropharmica‘s R&D headquarters in Austin to learn more about this amazing device.   “He breathes, he talks, he…

Former Centers for Disease Control (CDC) Director, David J. Sencer, M.D., M.P.H., during his Directorship.  Dr. Sencer was a pioneer in searching for the pathogen responsible for childhood "Cooties."

Scientists Confirm: “Cooties” Real and Highly Contagious

ATLANTA, GA – Just in time for Valentine’s Day, scientists at the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) in Atlanta have confirmed that age-old fears about contraction of the childhood illness, “Cooties,” are indeed justified.  The virus responsible for childhood Cooties was identified in a high-security isolation laboratory late last week by a team of virologists…

The Expanded Bristol Stool Chart provides useful insights into personality and helpful advice for decisions.

Doo and You: What the Bristol Stool Chart Tells Us About Personality

BOSTON, MA – A study published in the Journal of Excremental Studies this week reveals new secrets from a timeless tool.  In 1997, the Bristol Stool Scale forever changed the way that we think about stool and, thus, life.  Distilling thousands of years of observation into a simple chart which encompasses the whole range of…

Original photo by Andreas Krappweis

New Health Screening Tool Predicts Bear Attack Risk

The journal Annals of Primary Care and Wildlife Trauma has published a revolutionary new screening tool for busy primary care docs wondering whether their patient is at risk for bear-induced medical injury (BIMI).  Bear-induced medical injury and bear-related limb reduction (BRLR) have been a part of human existence for thousands of years, but this is a first…

Original photo by Milan Jurek

Iowa Woman Fully Awake During Entire Wart Removal

ALGONA, IA – 42 year-old Belinda Glingells will never forget the unspeakable horrors she felt and saw last Thursday afternoon in the Algona Family Medicine Clinic procedure room.  Taken back to the procedure room for what was supposed to be a routine benign wart removal, she found herself awake throughout the entirety of the 5-minute…

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Death Panel Outraged by Healthcare Website Delays

WASHINGTON, DC – As victims of yet another disappointment in a long string of broken promises from the current administration, members of the famed Affordable Care Act Death Panel (ACADP) have found themselves once again standing in the ashes of scorched dreams. “I got into this to limit our nation’s over-spending on old people…and I’m…

Photo by Emre Nacigil

Mediterranean Cruise Allows Destitute Doctors to Share Woes

ATHENS, GREECE – Medical and Surgical sub-specialists, indignant over falling pay and declining quality of life, have united again this year at the American Medical Association’s annual “Western Healthcare INcome and Equality” (WHINE) forum.  This one week cruise of sparkling waters and spectacular sun-bleached islands is just the thing that these beleaguered docs need to…

Image from the Osler Library at McGill University

Sir William Osler Was “Most Worthless” Student on the Wards

MONTREAL, CANADA – He may be the exalted father of modern medical education and the hallowed champion of medical reason, but devastating new evidence shows that Sir William Osler’s early beginnings in medicine were lackluster at best.  Recently uncovered academic reviews of his performance by upper level trainees at the McGill University’s medical college in…

Ben Affleck Batman

Ben Affleck to Star as Depressed Batman in “Dark Knight of the Soul”

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Everyone’s favorite superhero is about to get a serious facelift. The Batman franchise is to be reborn, with it’s newest superstar, Ben Affleck, as the caped crusader.  No longer simply the glassy-eyed swoon of last decade’s romantic comedies, Affleck’s Dark Knight is about to shock and awe audiences with a gritty, real-life…